I'd Like to Thank the Academy
by The Sarcasm Master
Summary: If the Total Drama contestants won an Academy Award, what would their speeches be like?
1. Staci

**First things first, I don't own anything. Otherwise I would be on Fiction Press.**

**That being said, hey guys, The Sarcasm Master here. For a while now I've been thinking about story ideas for Total Drama and I came up with the idea of what the Total Drama contestants would give as speeches for the Academy Awards! I will hopefully go through every character, and I will take suggestions for who to do next. There will be no continuity, they are all separate from one another. Also, if you haven't already, check out my one-shot "Beyond the Fourth Wall" or my Hunger Games/Total Drama crossover "From Drama to Death." You won't regret it. :)**

**First up...**

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**Staci**

The applause filled the ornate room as the pudgy woman in a garish dress that did not suit her at all took the stage, looking to be on the verge of joyful tears. She clutched the golden statuette as she tearfully took the microphone.

"Yah, I'd just like to thank the Academy for this award. I was totally shocked when I was nominated, and I feel like I'm in a dream right now. I have a lot of people to thank for this, and I'd like to appreciate them all."

"First, I'd like to thank my great-great-great-great granduncle for inventing the award. Before him, people just gave themselves pats on the back when they did something impressive! Second, I'd like to thank my great-grandma for inventing the Academy Awards. Before her, people just relied on their own opinions to determine whether a movie was good or not. Yah, like that would ever work."

Glances between audience members were being exchanged, some confused, some agitated, but the girl on stage just kept talking.

"Next, I'd like to thank my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather for inventing speeches! Before him, people had to use inner monologues to express their feelings! And of course I can't forget my great-great-great-great-great-great-great step-uncle, who invented the stage!"

She didn't seem to notice that pretty much everyone in the crowd were waiting impatiently for her to finish or for the _Jaws _theme to chase her off stage. "My point is, I have a lot of relatives I can thank for my success, but the relatives I would have to thank the most would be my mom and my dad, for inventing and loving me." She sniffled.

There was actually some positive reaction and "_awwww"_ing to this comment. Then, she went right back into her speech. "So yah, I look forward to seeing you all again soon, because you don't have as much of an awesome family as me. 'Cause my family has shaped the world. I must thank one final person who made this all possible. Thank you, oh Great great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-"

The Jaws theme began to play, although Staci didn't seem to notice or care. "-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-"

_Da duh. Da duh. Da duh. DA DUH DA DUH DA DUH DA DUH!_

What appeared to be a shark was creeping up on her from behind. Strangely, none of the audience were reacting.

"-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, who invented everything in the world. Thank you, God." She turned around to see a shark grinning and staring at her.

"OH GOD!"

The compulsive liar ran off the stage screaming wildly, and the "shark" exit stage right, cackling. When out of sight of the crowd, Izzy took off the head of her shark costume and whistled innocently while walking down the changing room hallway.

There was applause for Staci's speech, but the timing made it seem as though they were applauding the shark chasing her off (which, to be honest, a lot of them probably were).

The nominees now started frantically trimming down their speeches, not really sure what the deal was with the shark, but they definitely weren't going to take too long like the fat lady up there just had.

Too bad Izzy would probably just scare them off the stage anyway just because she felt like it.

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**Thank you for reading. As I said at the beginning of the story, these will not be in the same canon or have any relationship to each other unless the "Rule of Funny" benefits from it. I'm not sure how long these will end up being on average, but probably not more than 1,500 words a chapter. Thank you and see you next time!**


	2. Tyler

**These chapters should come out pretty quickly, as you can tell, they're not very long, nor are they intended to be. This is more of a "casual" writing for me as opposed to my other ongoing story. So yeah, glad to see there's a positive reaction!**

**Next up, we have...**

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**Tyler**

The man in the red tuxedo's eyes widened as he heard his name called. A surprised grin formed on his jubilant face, and he expressed his joy in that subtle, poignant way that only Tyler could convey.

"YEEEEESSSSSS!"

He'd never thought he would have won. The fact that he did win...it was a tearful experience for a man who had spent most of his childhood, adolescence, and adulthood tripping over things and losing everything he ever played. He'd kept telling himself that if he kept trying it would pay off in the end, but lately he'd been losing hope in himself despite his renowned optimism.

He literally started running up to the stage, whooping and cheering. Having no indoor voice whatsoever, it was quite the spectacle for the audience. Many were amused and heartwarmed by the jock's insanely enthusiastic reaction to the award.

_Finally, I won something! And not just anything, an actual Academy Award!_

Then, as he walked onto the stage, his foot rolled sideways.

A fiery burst of pain shot out from his ankle as Tyler stumbled and faceplanted on the stage, letting out an "OUCH!" eliciting a concerned gasp from the audience. His ankle throbbed painfully, and several people attempted to help him up.

"NO!"

The yell surprised the Good Samaritans, and Tyler realized how loudly he had yelled. "...no. I need to get up by myself."

Slowly, painfully, Tyler rose to his feet, wobbling as he put all of his weight on one leg. His ankle was merely sprained, not permanently damaged. Gritting his teeth and concentrating with all of his might, he stood, tall and proud, ignoring the pain in his ankle and shaking off the people attempting to support him. He took one powerful step forward with his right, undamaged foot.

He quickly drew his painful foot forward, lightly tapping it against the ground. Slowly, surely, with cheers from the audience, Tyler limped up to the microphone without any assistance, and once he reached the mike and the trophy was placed in his hand, cheers and applause filled the room as he held it up triumphantly, grinning and eyes beginning to tear up.

He stood at the mike with all of his weight on his right foot, and began to speak.

"I always was really enthusiastic about sports. Hockey, soccer, basketball, football, volleyball...I loved sports. Still love 'em. But...every time I played them, I always would injure myself somehow, like how I just tripped coming up here. I always kept going. I mean, I knew I had the ability, just really terrible luck. I had strong muscle structure, strong legs, strong fingers...you know."

"I would always try to remain positive. Look on the bright side. After I recovered from my torn ACL in 7th grade, I immediately got back into sports, and there were plenty of people who said I couldn't do it, that I couldn't recover from such a major injury so quickly...they were absolutely right. But, as cliche as it is to say, you really CAN do it. I just didn't follow my dreams in the way I thought I was going to."

"Portraying a broken athlete in a sports film was a really introspic...interspek..._enlightening _experience for me! It made me think about what I was doing, and it was a whole lot of fun to do...even though I refused to have a stunt double and broke both arms during filming."

There was some modest laughter at this.

Tyler laughed self-deprecatingly. "Yeah, I've broken every bone in my body at least twice. I'm aiming for a world record."

More laughter at this.

"So yeah. I didn't become a world-famous athlete like I wanted. But hey! I got an Academy Award! EXTREME!" He looked around uncertainly. "Huh. Nothing happened. Hey! That's new-"

A stage light proceeded to fall on him, landing directly on his head and knocking him to the floor. Gasps and worried looks filled the crowd, as people rushed to push the stage light off of him. Three people picked his dazed form up.

"Doughnut let them get you down!" Tyler said, crosseyed and dazed. "Keep on 'a going, know Mater what!"

The paramedics proceeded to carry him offstage, with one final cheer from Tyler as he clutched the figure in his hands in triumph.

Wild applause and cheers filled the air for Tyler's persistence and dedication, and the paramedics carried him off the stage and out of sight.


	3. Katie

**Thanks for the reviews and stuff! I appreciate it a lot. I think I'll post a poll on my profile (huh, that's some added alliterative appeal) asking which character you'd like to see make a speech. I have some of the order planned out. I don't want to go through all the best ones too quickly, so the ones I write best will be spread out as opposed to being all at once. **

**Anyway, onward, we have...**

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**Katie**

The large applause at the announcement of the award winner was nothing compared to the reaction of Katie and Sadie. They squealed wildly, clapping and giggling, doing their usual Katie and Sadie shtick. Sadie hugged Katie tearfully, and the two girls walked up onto the stage to much applause. Katie was handed the trophy, and, sniffling, she wiped a tear from her eye. Sadie stood next to her, hugging her BFFFL tightly. Katie shrugged her off, and tearfully took the microphone, clutching the award in her trembling left hand.

"Like, oh my gosh, I'd just like to thank the Academy for...for this honor!" the skinnier girl said, smiling happily. "I never thought I'd ever be getting an award like this, cause, oh my gosh, this is so exciting, isn't that right, Sadie?"

"Eeee! Like, I know, right?" Sadie squealed excitedly.

Katie took the mike again. "So anyway, I'd just like to thank some people who made this all possible! First off, I'd like to thank my BFFFL Sadie, who's been by my side my whole life. I...I don't think I could live without her." She wiped a tear from her eye, and some of the audience was visibly affected. Others weren't. It was a mixed scenario.

"Sadie has always stood by my side, through good times and bad, and although we've had our differences in the past, we're closer than family!"

There was a cough from one of the audience members which sounded suspiciously like _"Lesbian!" _The two girls either didn't hear it or ignored it.

"Eeee, thank you Katie!" the fatter girl said excitedly.

"I'd also like to thank my parents for supporting me all the way! Thank you so much! I love you guys! I, like, really think it's amazing I managed to get an Academy Award. It's a once in a lifetime experience, ya know? Working in the make-up department was so much fun. Thank you to everyone in the makeup department. You guys rock! All of you! Jessica, Sandra, Ashley, Samantha, and Kevin, you guys are all, like, my closest friends."

"But not as much as me, right?" Sadie giggled.

"Awwww, of course, Sadie!" Katie smiled, and hugged her friend.

The same audience member from before started coughing again, and this time the two girls crossed their arms and glared. "Whoever's doing that is, like, really rude! Stop now."

It was silence from the audience from there on out. Katie smiled sweetly and continued. "Thanks! Anyway, as I was saying, working in this movie was so much fun. But the hardest thing was being separated from Sadie!"

"Awwwww..."

Someone had seemed to notice that they weren't going to get anywhere, so the _Jaws _theme began to play. Unlike Staci, Katie and Sadie realized this as their cue to get offstage. "Thank you all!" Katie shouted out, teary-eyed and melodramatic. "I'll never forget this moment, ever!"

Applause filled the room, and the two girls happily walked down the stage, chatting contentedly.

Behind the stage, Izzy snapped her fingers in disappointment, already dressed in her shark costume.

"Darn."


	4. Sadie

**Sadie**

The large applause at the announcement of the award winner was nothing compared to the reaction of Katie and Sadie. They squealed wildly, clapping and giggling, doing their usual Katie and Sadie shtick. Katie hugged Sadie tearfully, and the two girls walked up onto the stage to much applause. Sadie was handed the trophy, and, sniffling, she wiped a tear from her eye. Katie stood next to her, hugging her BFFFL tightly. Sadie shrugged her off, and tearfully took the microphone, clutching the award in her trembling left hand.

"Like, oh my gosh, I'd just like to thank the Academy for...for this honor!" the fatter girl said, smiling happily. "I never thought I'd ever be getting an award like this, cause, oh my gosh, this is so exciting, isn't that right, Katie?"

"Eeee! Like, I know, right?" Katie squealed excitedly.

Sadie took the mike again. "So anyway, I'd just like to thank some people who made this all possible! First off, I'd like to thank my BFFFL Katie, who's been by my side my whole life. I...I don't think I could live without her." She wiped a tear from her eye, and some of the audience was visibly affected. Others weren't. It was a mixed scenario.

"Katie has always stood by my side, through good times and bad, and although we've had our differences in the past, we're closer than family!"

There was a cough from one of the audience members which sounded suspiciously like _"Lesbian!" _The two girls either didn't hear it or ignored it.

"Eeee, thank you Sadie!" the skinnier girl said excitedly.

"I'd also like to thank my parents for supporting me all the way! Thank you so much! I love you guys! I, like, really think it's amazing I managed to get an Academy Award. It's a once in a lifetime experience, ya know? Working in the make-up department was so much fun. Thank you to everyone in the makeup department. You guys rock! All of you! Jessica, Sandra, Ashley, Samantha, and Kevin, you guys are all, like, my closest friends."

"But not as much as me, right?" Katie giggled.

"Awwww, of course, Sadie!" Sadie smiled, and hugged her friend.

The same audience member from before started coughing again, and this time the two girls crossed their arms and glared. "Whoever's doing that is, like, really rude! Stop now."

It was silence from the audience from there on out. Sadie smiled sweetly and continued. "Thanks! Anyway, as I was saying, working in this movie was so much fun. But the hardest thing was being separated from Katie!"

"Awwwww..."

Someone had seemed to notice that they weren't going to get anywhere, so the _Jaws _theme began to play. Unlike Staci, Katie and Sadie realized this as their cue to get offstage. "Thank you all!" Sadie shouted out, teary-eyed and melodramatic. "I'll never forget this moment, ever!"

Applause filled the room, and the two girls happily walked down the stage, chatting contentedly.

Behind the stage, Izzy snapped her fingers in disappointment, already dressed in her shark costume.

"Darn."

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**I hope you're happy. This chapter was the hardest I've done by FAR. I really worked my butt off on this, so you'd better show some appreciation for it. In fact, this chapter was so tiring, I'm gonna go take a nap. Ha. **

**...**

**...**

**Whatever.**


	5. Lightning

**Heyo, heyo, welcome again. This time...it will actually be a chapter that's NOT the previous chapter with the names "Katie" and "Sadie" switched around. Yaaaaaayyyy! Also, I greatly appreciate those who have voted at the polls, and I will take your opinions into consideration when writing the order. **

**Anyway, up next we have...**

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**Lightning**

"YEAH! WHOOP! SHA-SCORE!"

Total Drama seemed to have a lot of contestants with the uncanny talent of drowning out an entire room of applause just by being themselves. Lightning was no exception. In fact, the genius player had showed up to the Academy Awards in his usual football jersey, seemingly ignorant to the fact that he was present at one of the most esteemed awards shows in the world.

"Woo hoo! Sha-YEAH! Lightning ROCKS!" Several quizzical looks were exchanged between audience members, one of them whispering "I thought _he_ was Lightning."

Lightning bounded onto the stage, and roughly jerked the award out of the host's hands and into his own. The host was sent flying across the stage, and a seemingly unaware Lightning took the mike, grinning from ear to ear. He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a crash from his right where he'd inadvertently flung the host. He shrugged, and began his speech as paramedics filed across the stage to help the host up.

"Lightning would just like to thank the sha-Academy for this awesome award! And God knows Lightning deserves it. SHA-LIGHTNING!" He grinned and raised his arms in the air, flexing his muscles. "I mean, who could deny _these _babies?" He kissed one of his biceps, then the other, then the first one, then the other again, then the first, then the other, et cetera et cetera ET CET-ER-A. Behind him, the host was being carried across the stage on a stretcher, but Lightning either didn't notice or didn't care.

"Lightning would also like to thank my sha-parents for motivating me to win! I always knew I had it in me, but now..." The genius jock sniffled a little bit, wiping a tear from his eye. "I know that I really can do it. SHA-SCORE! I mean, who knew that I could just _pretend_ to do sports and get this shiny golden trophy? It's sha-unbelievable, man!" He held the award in the air triumphantly.

"I've always needed to win, at everything. It's in my sha-nature. But here, on international TV, getting one of the best awards in the sha-world? It's awesome! LIGHTNING RULES!"

Some of the audience members were wondering when the Jaws theme was going to chase him off the stage, thinking he was taking too long. In reality, he'd only been up there for about thirty seconds, but for the audience members it had seemed to be taking minutes, hours.

"But most of all, I'd like to thank _these _babies." Lightning flexed his muscles again. "Without my sha-muscles and my protein drinks, I'd sha-_never _have been picked for the job. So...so..." A click in his throat, and he started to get choked up. "THANK YOU!" Sobbing, he started kissing his muscles again, this time much more...sloppily. Let it suffice to say that wet patches were left on his shirt and on his biceps.

Seeing that his makeout session with his arms wasn't going to stop any time soon, the Jaws theme started to play, and somewhere in Lightning's mind he realized that that meant he had to get off stage. He stopped kissing his arms, and wiped off the "sha" drool from his arms. "Sha-thank you all!" he called out, holding out his newest award in the air, fist clenched. Applause filled the room, and Lightning proceeded to tighten his grip on the trophy, holding it up a little higher, until-

Smash.

Lightning looked down at the broken award in his hands. The applause had stopped, and he looked down with a mixture of horror and confusion. The only sound in the room was of an ambulance outside, which the host was likely being loaded into for treatment for his three broken bones. Lightning winced as the pieces of the trophy fell to the floor.

"Oh sh-"

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**This was my first time writing Lightning, and I'm finding he's a fun character to come up with ideas for. Once again, thank you for reading and for voting in the poll, and I'll probably have the next one up soon.**

**Sha-see ya!**


	6. Duncan

**Hello again, thank you, thank you, too kind, too kind. Be sure to vote for five people, blah de blah de blah. You know the drill. Popular request will be done when there are enough people to choose from, and of course there's the matter of trying to space out my favorite characters. Also be sure to check out my Tyler-centric one-shot, "Contentment." But anyway, up next we have...**

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**Duncan**

The delinquent took care to make sure that the expression on his pierced face was smug and not at all sentimental. Nope, couldn't afford that. Much better to look like a d-bag on TV as opposed to a wimp. Would be bad for his cred if he cried. Of course, what Duncan didn't think about was that he was receiving an Academy Award, not exactly a bad boy thing to do for the most part.

Duncan slowly walked onto the stage, and the host confusedly looked over Duncan, who was wearing a jet-black tuxedo with a skull on it, and hadn't bothered to clean up his greasy hair or his piercings. He also compared his relatively normal body structure to Duncan's extremely short legs and huge upper body. Duncan roughly took the microphone as the applause filled the room, and his eyes found a girl in the front row.

He made the "call me" sign, causing the elated fangirl to scream and promptly faint.

As the applause died down, Duncan merely stared at the audience. He turned his head, looking over the whole of the crowd, seemingly observing. Anticipation filled the air, as the room waited anxiously for him to say something, anything.

Then, calmly, he raised his middle finger in the air for everyone to see.

A bizarre mixture of laughter and shock filled the room, and it was all Duncan could do to maintain a straight face for three seconds before he burst out laughing, clutching his sides and wiping a tear from his eye. When he'd finally regained his composure, he held the microphone up to his mouth and took a deep breath to calm himself.

And proceeded to bust out laughing again, prompting even more laughter from the audience.

When he'd finally calmed down for good, Duncan took the microphone, smirking. "I'm sorry. On TV, live to the whole world, millions of people watching. I just couldn't resist. I mean, probably the biggest event of my life with everyone watching? I just had to. So yeah, sorry. Shield the eyes of the children, whatever. I'm here, I got this award. Suck it."

It was difficult to tell whether he was joking or actually serious. He continued. "But yeah. I guess I _should _thank some people. But I'm not going to thank the Academy. When I watched the Academy Awards as a kid, I always told my dad that if I ever got an award, I'd never begin with 'I'd like to thank the Academy.' I never got why they said that. All. The freaking. Time. It just irritated me."_  
_

"Moving on, yeah, I'm gonna thank some people. And by 'thank' I actually mean 'thank,' not 'flip them off.' Obviously, yeah, I'll thank my parents, but I don't want to get all sentimental and *beep*. *beep* that. And yeah, I can hardly wait to see all the *beep*ing sensors for this *beep*ing award. Do you get the *beep*ing picture yet?"

He grinned in a manner eerily similar to the troll face meme. And indeed he was trolling, testing the sensors and taking advantage of the fact that it was airing live. "So yeah. I'm sure my parents are proud of me. And as much as I hate touchy feely stuff, I do care for them and thank them for their support. Their *beep*ing support." His grin, if possible, widened. "Yeah, I'm sure they're really proud of me right now."

"I'd also like to thank my parole officer for putting up with me. I don't know how you do it, but you did for years, and I respect that. And I'm sorry for stealing your keys yesterday. It was for old times' sake. So yeah. *beep*ing thanks, *beep*ing whatever, *beep*ing *beep*ity *beep*ity *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*. Thank you, and goodbye."

"*beep*tards."

Proud of the damage and stir he'd caused, Duncan strolled off the stage, award in hand, and walked out of sight.


	7. Izzy

**Hello again, thank you thank you, too kind, too kind. Hmn...not really sure what to say here anymore...thanks for reading? Sorry for the delay? Enjoy? Okay, sounds good. **

**Anyway, up next we have someone that people voted for...**

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**Izzy**

The applause filled the room as the music began to play, and cameras searched around for the lucky actress. Cameras combed the aisles, and the applause continued, but no one was walking up to the stage. The audience continued clapping their hands but they did appear to be slightly confused.

Poof.

A purple cloud of smoke exploded on the stage. The suddenness of it all caused several screams from the audience. Izzy, wearing no fancier clothes than she normally wore, cackled maniacally, her signature Cheshire cat grin on her face. Breaking into a full sprint, she tackled the confused host and wrenched the award out of his hands.

"HA HA, YOU SHOULD SEE THE LOOKS ON YOUR FACES! WOOOOOO!" The psycho attempted to cartwheel across the stage, only to crash and land on her face. This did not deter or defer her enthusiasm in the slightest, as was the Izzy way. The traumatized host handed her the trophy absentmindedly, wide eyes staring at some spot on the wall. This wasn't the first time that a person had been traumatized by one of Izzy's tricks, and it wasn't even close to being the last.

Izzy scratched her chin, gazing at the spaced-out host, and then began waving her arms in front of his face. "Hey! Hello! Hi! Guten taaaaag, hola, aloha, bonjour, como estas, HELLO!"

The last "hello" was shouted, causing the host to let out a yelp and snap back into reality with a yelp. Giggling, Izzy bounded up onto the stage, holding the microphone up close. "Testing testing one two threeeee, ha ha ha! Wow! This is coooooolllll! You all should try this IT MAKES YOUR VOICE BOUNCE OF THE WALLS! I mean, I can make my body bounce off the walls but, ya know, never my voice, apart from that one time where I tried to cough up my voice-box, BUT, that's completely pointless and off-topic, am I right?"

Silence. Izzy glanced around uncertainly, before comprehension dawned in her eyes. "Oh! Right! Speech! My bad, I just got caught up in the moment is all. Well, the moment before the moment right now...and the moment I just talked about is in the past, and the moment three seconds from now is...now in the past! HA! The present is actually pretty much a billionth of a second, everything else is the past and the future. Wait. Right. Speech. Um...I feel like I can make what I just talked about into something philisophical...I dunno."

"Okay, on to the actual speech! And I promise that I won't get distracted this time-hey, is that Benedict Cumberbatch? ARE YOU BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH? I LOVE BENEDICT CUCUMBERPATCH!"

The very...um, enthusiastic girl proceeded in an attempt to glomp said Benedict Cumberbatch, but stopped herself just in time, remembering, once again, that she had to give a speech. She giggled in embarrassment. "Um...oh, yeah, speech. Um...I didn't exactly have one prepared...WAIT, didn't mean to say that, of course I have one prepared! And here it goes, riiiiiiggghht now...any minute now!"

Izzy cleared her throat, and began her speech. "Blah blah blah, blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblahblahblah, blah blah blah blah!" She grinned as she clutched the trophy in her hand. "Blah blaaaaah, blah blah blah blah BLAH blah." As she spoke, she spread her arms wide in a grandiose, over-complicated, and melodramatic manner.

"Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah, blah blaaah!" She raised her arms in the air. "Blah blah blah blah blah blahblahblah, blah blah." She cackled. "Blah." She sighed, miming a faint and delicate lady, holding the back of her hand up to her forehead and moving faux-elegantly.

"Blah blah, blah blah blah!" She mimed strangling a person for an undisclosed reason. "Blah blah?"

"Blah blah blah blah," she said, in a touched manner, holding her hand to her heart and sniffling. "Blah blah blah blah, blah blah!" She smiled, and bowed, but continued talking. "Blah blah blah blah blah blah..."

The Jaws theme began to play. "Blah!" she yelled, in the manner one might yell an indignant _"Hey!" _"Blah BLAH blah blah blah!" She pointed her finger furiously at the speakers, and stayed on the stage, continuing her verbal barrage of "blahs" at the Jaws music. _Why_ she was yelling at the speakers was anyone's guess.

"Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah! Blah blah blah blah! Blaaaaaahhh, blah blah blah BLAH!" The host walked over to Izzy, who was now shaking her fist at the speakers and seemed to be threatening to strangle them. He tapped her on the shoulder and Izzy backhanded the poor man, sending him crashing to the floor.

"YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE! BLAAAAAAAHHHH!" With that truly inspiring war cry, Izzy threw down a smoke bomb on the ground and vanished from the room, never to be seen in that room again for the rest of her days.


	8. Mike

**Even though I don't particularly like the character, Mike is up next because I just did Izzy, my second favorite Total Drama character of all time. Plus, I actually have a good idea for him. Enjoy!**

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**Mike**

The claps and the applause only made Mike more on edge. The inside of his shirt was duct taped to his skin to prevent a Vito outbreak, and he didn't even bring a hat, but there was nothing stopping him from turning into Chester or Svetlana, or...no, he didn't want to think about that possibility. He couldn't think about that possibility, now that he was getting one of the most prestigious awards in the world!

Nervously, he walked onto the stage and with a shaky smile accepted the award and took the microphone. He cleared his throat. "I...I'd just like to thank...um, the Academy...yeah...for everything, and, um...yeah, my award. Th-thanks, I-I-I...guess...I'm sorry, I'm kind of on edge right now."

A gasp came from his mouth, confusing some audience members, and his face scrunched up and his back scrunched over, giving him the appearance of an old man. "Darn you kids and your awards! Back in my day we didn't need some crappy awards show to tell us what our favorite movies are! Take that you snooty pricks!"

Befuddlement was, of course, swimming in the crowds at this. Another gasp from Mike, and sweat poured down his face as he smiled nervously. "Heh heh heh...sorry about that! Um...um, I...guess...yeah..."

He laughed again, scratching the back of his head nervously, and whispers and murmurs traveled throughout the audience, and Mike gulped as he looked up at a loose stage light. Before he could move out of the way, however, it fell, landing right on his head. A scream broke out from the audience and people rushed up to move it off of him, only to find Mike chuckling in a sinister manner.

"What a contrived but ultimately fortunate coincidence," Mal said, standing up and smirking. "Just the way I operate."

As the paramedics attempted to help him up, the pencil god brushed them off. "I'm fine. Just give me the mike. Mike's nervousness about a split personality takeover was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Here I am. Hello." He took the mike, hair falling into one eye.

"Now, I'm sure you're wondering who I am or why I'm here. My name is Mal, and I'm one of Mike here's multiple personalities. And I'm evil." There was a silence after this. "And in case you're wondering why, I'm just as clueless as you are," he added with a shrug.

"I'd _love _to dearly thank the Academy for this award in the place of Mike, especially considering Svetlana was the one who actually acted as the Camp Straight hero gymnast and Mike didn't even do anything. Fraud. And they say _I'm _evil. And I am. Watch...this."

Holding up his hands dramatically, he broke the trophy in half. "MWAHAHAHA! LOOK HOW EVIL I AM!"

Queer looks were all he got from the audience. He laughed. "Yeah, not really. Although I must say that you all are probably weirded out by now. And you should be. This is quite possibly the strangest speech you've ever heard in this continuity. Not counting the other Total Drama characters, of course. But you don't remember that."

"I _have _killed people before. This one guy tried to mug me, and I smashed my warm mug of coffee into his head, and collected the blood because I felt like trying something different. Funny thing is that they arrested Mike and put him in juvy. Isn't that hilarious?"

"Sooo," he yawned. "Yeah, I'm getting bored here. And you guys are still sticking around for some bizarre reason, probably because you didn't believe me, so...don't say I didn't warn you."

Using nothing but the jagged pieces of the Academy Award, he stabbed the host in the stomach before smashing him into the ground.

He then proceeded to hijack the stage lights and using his coveted Villain Sue powers sent the stage lights hurtling into the audience before using Svetlana's agility to leap into the crowd and gut random people just for the heck of it.

By the end of the day, he'd killed three hundred and ninety four people, wounded five hundred and forty one, and proceeded to give Mike control over his brain.

Right as the guards closed in and clubbed him on the head.

All while whistling _"In the Hall of the Mountain King."_

...

The next time Mike and Mal were both in their head at the same time, while Vito was trying to get the digits fof some prison girl, Mike chased after Mal screaming bloody murmur, while Mal started singing the troll song, grinning maniacally.

...

...

...what a wonderful world.

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**Hope you liked this, this was a little different than usual. ;) As you can tell, this is poking fun at some of the behavior seen in All Stars, but personally this fourth wall-breaking, trollish Mal was fun to write. :P**

**Ciao.**


	9. B

**B**

Applause resonated throughout the room as the silent B slowly walked up onto the stage. The host handed the grinning genius the award, and then the microphone was thrust into B's hand. The audience's eyes were focused on him, expecting him to make a speech. He cast his eyes around uncomfortably, and then proceeded to smile at the audience, and snapped his fingers into a finger gun. The tension was high, the audience was waiting for him to say something, anything. But in the end he only said one word.

"Thanks."

And thus, he walked off the stage.

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**...I got lazy. Sue me.**

**...**

**...what? We had to do B sometime!**


	10. Courtney

**Okay, yay for reviews! Awesome, and now to have the next one...**

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**Courtney**

"Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you again!"

Courtney, per the norm, never seemed to be able to shut up, and kept thanking people as she made her way up to the stage. A practiced smile dotted her face, from years of preparing and performing speeches for student council and the like. She wouldn't tell the others, but she had been practicing her speech every day for around a month. Actually, she'd first written her speech when she was six years old, just in case she ever won an Academy award. The audience knew a trained speaker when they saw one, and Courtney certainly gave off the impression of overachieving.

The applause died down as Courtney took both the microphone and the award. She proceeded to shake the hand of the host, a difficult feat while carrying both a microphone and an award. Courtney, unsurprisingly, thanked him, but the microphone did not pick it up. She turned to the audience, who were now paying rapt attention. Courtney held up the mic to her mouth, and cleared her throat. She took a deep breath before beginning.

"I'd just like to thank the Academy for this award. Wow...I actually said it! I've always dreamed of being here, on the stage, holding this award in my hand. I always believed, always hoped I'd end up here one day, and now...here I am. It's the most surreal feeling, and I really _would _like to thank the Academy. I'm not just saying that because I always wanted to say it, of course. If that makes any sense, which I hope it does."

"Anyway, first things first I'd like to thank my parents for pushing me to go far. It was difficult work at times, and I was often called stuffy, boring, and egocentric for focusing on my career. But despite all the nay-sayers, here I am now, and I've come so far." She wiped a tear from her eye. "I'm sorry, it's just really emotional for me."

"When I was a kid, while other children were playing kickball, I was studying and doing my homework. But whenever I had free time, I would pretend I was on this stage, and I wrote down and performed what I was going to say. When I'd finished my final draft, I performed it in front of my parents. They called it _cute. _Now, I know I thanked my parents just a minute or two ago, but I did not like something I'd poured hard work into to be called _cute."_

Laughs from the audience. "I swore to, at all costs, actually end up on this stage and perform this speech. Now, obviously, the speech isn't the same one I wrote when I was six years old...but I did it, in the end. And they supported me every step of the way. Thank you again, Mom and Dad."

"Now, I'd also like to thank some other people who made all this possible. I'd like to give a shout-out to my brother-"

_Da duh. Da duh._

Courtney stopped, and then a scowl formed on her face. "Hey! What gives? I was in the middle of talking, and people were liking my speech!" The music payed no attention.

"Seriously? I mean...um, is there a malfunction with the music? It shouldn't be doing it this early. Hello? Host? What's going on? WHY WON'T ANYBODY ANSWER ME?"

Realizing that her dignity was at stake in front of millions of people, she calmed herself. "I'm sorry, it's just that this is really irritating me. I understand we're on a time limit here, but-"

The Jaws music cut her off as the tension rose, and she fumed before calming herself down once again. "Okay! Fine! In that case, I'll just be going now! Thank you for everything! This has been the happiest day of my life despite the early cut-off! Thank you!" She smiled and waved as she walked off the stage.

* * *

**Trying to balance out the gender ratio, and also balance between characters I like and don't like. Thanks, and so long for now.**


	11. Jo

**Blah blah blah, yay, whatever goes here. Apologies for not updating in a while, whatever.**

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**Jo**

The jockette was surprised and touched more than she would ever admit when her name was called. Jo, being Jo, couldn't afford to appear sentimental in front of other people, but of course, that was what the speeches for the Academy Awards were all about. And, of course, Jo being Jo, she hated being primmed and pruned and therefore had neglected any sort of makeup, but had indeed worn a black dress. She was not elegant or beautiful, but a tomboyish sort of pretty.

She calmly and authoritatively walked onto the stage, holding out her hand so that the host could give her the statue. A blank look dotted her face, but underneath the surface her emotions were swimming. And, Jo being Jo, she attempted to keep herself from crying, a difficult challenge for the jockette. She'd faced down a wide assortment of physical challenges during her career, but here and now, at the pinnacle of all that hard work?

Jo sniffed. And sniffed again. Her eyes watered. The audience waited expectantly for her to make a speech, but the supposedly tough as nails girl was on the verge of happy tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep myself calm, it's just...okay, deep breath, and let's get this started."

Jo inhaled deeply, then exhaled deeply. Inhaled deeply, exhaled deeply. Inhaled deeply...you get the idea.

"Okay...I'm good now. I'd just like to thank...thank the Academy for this award. I never thought I'd be up on this stage, and frankly, I thought it was dorky, stupid, and unnecessary. In fact, to some degree I still find it dorky, stupid, and unnecessary, but...when you're up here, it's so different than just watching all these weak, teary-eye people talk about their touchy feely stuff. When you're on stage, you ARE the person talking about your touchy feely stuff."

"And now I can say that...ergh, this is hard to get out...that I _understand _now why people are crying when they get up here. For some it's the only time they'll ever be noticed by the viewing world. For some it's more. And...okay, don't cry, don't cry. I hate crying. CRYING STINKS AND IS FOR LOSERS! Um, sorry...eh..."

Jo wiped her eyes. "Wait, j-just because I was talking about that doesn't mean I'm crying! I'm not crying! I...I just have something in my eye, okay? I'M TOUGH! GRR!"

Amusement and bemusement rippled from the crowd. "I'd just...like to thank my parents, is all. I know you've already heard that tired, stupid cliche a million times already tonight but it's true. They pushed me to be the best I could be, and I gladly went forward. I'm very proud of them, and they're very proud of me, and I'd also like to thank my...dog? UGH. I stink at this mushy stuff! I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY!"

"You're doing fine, Jo," the host said reassuringly.

Jo took several deep breaths. "I am NOT about to be made a fool on international TV...but...okay, I give up." Jo, cold-hearted, clinical Jo burst into happy tears, hugging the person closest to her, which happened to be the host.

"I'M GOING TO BE SO EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS LATER!" she sobbed happily into the host's shoulder.

"W-would that be all?" the host asked nervously.

"I LOVE YOU MOMMY!" was her response.

"O-okay, thank you, Jo, but it's time for you to get offstage, okay?"

"OKAY!"

And Jo walked off the stage, too jubilant and tear-worn for words, and let out a final "THANK YOU!" to the crowd with the applause at her back.

Her parents thought it was adorable.


	12. Justin

**So...um...still have no idea what to put here. Oh! Right! The poll for what contestant you want to give a speech is up once again now that FDTD's poll is finished. So yeah, yay, something or other.**

**Next up is...**

* * *

**Justin**

Mixed in with the usual applause and cheering was the kind of squealing and screaming that one could only know from going to a boy band concert. Which meant that said high-pitched screaming and squealing wasn't relatively new to some of the audience members, however, some were startled by it due to the fact that there had been no such screaming for any of the awards before this one.

Of course, it was Justin. What could be expected? Live, and in front of millions of people. Justin loved it, and knew that there would be plenty of female gaze from both the middle-aged mothers and teenage girls back at home and in the audience. He had that effect on most people, and it was safe to say that his looks had something to do with the fact that he got the award. The world would never know. Unless he told them. Of course.

He had of course chosen an outfit to showcase his looks without being too over-the-top or garish. Which was rather unlike him. However, his arm muscles were slightly exposed, and the ladies loved it, which really goes without saying. The host fumbled and stumbled around, trying to hand the male model his trophy, and a grinning Justin gently grabbed the trophy from him, and took the mic, a grin on his face. He seemed to scan the crowd, looking for any girl who could live up to his standards.

He made eye contact with one of them and mouthed _"Call me," _to her, causing a smaller outbreak of pig squeals. Justin turned back to face the audience with a sly wink. More squeals, and the model's composure faded ever-so-slightly. Sometimes it could get a bit annoying.

"Sup?" he asked, making finger guns and grinning again, and yet again more fangirls squealed. It was as if the fangirls of all the realms had gathered there, and had only reviewed their true nature when there was a hot boy onstage.

"Okay, so yeah. I'm here, and stuff. Hi. I suppose I should thank the Academy," he shrugged. "So yeah, what even is the Academy? I need to know what it is before I thank it. You know what? Never mind. Let's get on with the speech."

"Do you know the story of the ugly duckling? How he was the...well, ugliest of ducklings, and everyone looked down on him. But he eventually turned into a beautiful swan. I assume you all know that story."

"And I can tell you that it does not apply to me in the slightest. I've _always _been like this. My good looks will probably continue until I'm an old man. Ugh...wrinkles. Just the thought makes me..." He gagged slightly, and composed himself again. "I suppose I'd like to thank God for making me this way, and for giving me my acting abilities. And yes, I do have acting abilities. Otherwise, I wouldn't be up here, right?"

As a matter of fact, the choosers of the winner had mostly voted for Justin , even though he'd starred in a pop culture movie and not one of the pretentious films that no one had ever even heard of. The reason? Isn't it obvious?

"I would also like to thank my parents for passing the right combination of genes down to me. I know I was a test tube baby, so yeah. I'd also like to thank my co-stars for the movie. It was truly an exhilarating experience...if you know what I mean."

Because there is a risk of destroying the K+ rating of this fic, that line is yours to interpret.

"So...I don't really have much else to say, so, thank you all! Ladies, gentlemen, I'll hopefully see you all on stage next year! Thank you, and goodbye!"

The fangirls united in a symphony of screams and squeals as Justin walked off the stage.

It was a wonder the glass didn't shatter.


	13. Cody

**I forgot to put this in last time, but this was the first fic of mine that hit fifty reviews, and we're not even a third through! Once I've done all the contestants, I WILL be doing the Pahkitew contestants. Thanks.**

* * *

**Cody**

Mixed in with the usual applause and cheering was the kind of squealing and screaming that one could only know from going to a boy band concert. Which meant that said high-pitched screaming and squealing wasn't relatively new to some of the audience members, however, some were startled by it due to the fact that there had been no such screaming for any of the awards before this one.

Of course, it was...Cody?

Wait, that was all in his head. Yeah, that makes a WHOLE lot more sense now, actually.

Cody was only acting like he was at a boy band concert due to the fact that if he looked at the audience and saw accomplished, famous actors as opposed to fans, he would most likely lose all form of consciousness, and that would be mildly embarrassing for him, being on the TV screens of millions worldwide.

Mildly embarrassing, considering he'd already done that when he was on Total Drama.

He grabbed the mic from the host and grinned, although the effect of trying to make his face look cool stretched his skin uncomfortably, so he decided to drop it, sadly, and settled with a mild smile, which he thought was less "cool" but in all actuality made him look like a lot less of a creep and a lot nicer person in general.

"Um, hi everyone," he said, laughing nervously, waving to the cameras. "I-I'd just like to thank the Academy for this award. I mean, um...uh...thanks and all."

_I'm embarrassing myself... _he thought, which was a rather obvious thought to be having at the time. So he decided to revert back to his ladies man persona. "And if any of you ladies in the crowd are single, heh! I'm available! Just saying. In fact, there was this one time that...um..." His bravado faded once again, in realizing that the majority of women in the audience were older than he was.

He gulped. "Okay, never mind. I just noticed that a lot of you are older than I am, and I don't want to hit on celebrities older than I am. I'm sorry, I just reverted back into my Total Drama persona because I don't know how else to act in front of large audiences AND I'M KIND OF FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!"

He laughed again. "Anyway, I know that you guys are probably only interested in heartwarming stories or funny stories, or both, but really I don't have any of that right now. I don't have any clue what I'm doing because underneath this cool exterior, I am absolutely freaking terrified, and extremely insecure about myself. And I just admitted that in front of the whole world. Yay."

"So now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to thank my parents and all the lades of the world...oh *beep* didn't mean to say that, I WAS FINISHED WITH THE TRYING TOO HARD! I REALLY WAS!"

People laughed at this only because it was clear that Cody was being self-deprecating at this point. Cody grinned, feeling more confident. "Yeah, I know. Hard to turn that off. I mean, you get into that kind of mindset and you just can't get out of it. I'd like to thank my parents for tolerating me."

Laughter.

"I'd also like to thank everyone involved in the movie. It was a lot of fun for me. Made a lot of friends there. And I know you all recognize me from Total Drama, right? Well, I can say this. I don't mind this anymore. You know why? I was _born_ to be humiliated. Thank you, and good night."

Applause filled the air, and screams of girls. Cody grinned and started to walk off the stage, when it hit him.

There were girls screaming for him.

He turned back, and then realized that it wasn't in his head.

"Oh, right, I was a Drama Brother," he realized, rolling his eyes before exiting the stage.


	14. Anne Maria

**Okay, this time I'm going to be doing a character that I've NEVER WRITTEN FOR BEFORE! So no idea how this is going to turn out. XD**

* * *

**Anne Maria**

"I'M NOT READY YET! TELL THEM I'LL PROBABLY BE OUT IN ABOUT HALF AN HOUR! POSSIBLY LATER!"

Anne Maria was still trying to make sure her hair, makeup, dress, skin, teeth, eyes, and everything else looked perfect. The escort was trying to politely tell her that she needed to get out on stage because she'd been announced as the winner for the Award.

"You need to come out!" he begged from outside the door. "The entire show is waiting for you!"

"WELL I CAN'T GO OUT THERE IF I LOOK HIDEOUS, CAN I? YOU'LL ALL JUST HAVE TO WAIT!"

The poor man sighed. "If you don't come out now, we're going to have to confiscate your hairspray."

Immediately, the door opened and a wide-eyed, orange Anne Maria stood there. "Okay, fine. I'm coming."

Five minutes later, Anne Maria walked onto the stage, wincing as she tried to cover her face. In her mind, she wasn't even close to being ready, but the audience didn't notice. They clapped for her regardless, but Anne Maria was still scared. Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared above her head. "I've got it!" she said, and then grabbed the lightbulb out of the air. "Where did this come from?" she asked, confused, before tossing it to the ground and taking the trophy and mic.

She set the trophy on the ground and put the mic in a stand before taking out a bottle of hairspray and a makeup container. "Well, I'd just like to thank the Academy for giving me this award. It's truly an honor, and I'm proud to stand here today." While she talked, she started spraying her hair and applying makeup.

"I mean, winning the award for best makeup department is fabulous! I always knew I had perfect fashion sense, but I didn't expect to get this nice, shiny gold trophy to prove that!" She stuck her makeup bottle in her hammer hair, and continued spraying it. The audience watched in dumbfounded, blank shock as she started to paint her fingernails and toenails at the same time, sitting down on the ground while still talking into the mic.

"I'd like to thank my family for supporting me every step of the way," she said as she quickly covered a pimple with some makeup. "And also the crew I worked with on set with, and the actors for letting me apply makeup to them regardless of whether they wanted it or not. Man, those were the days, am I right?" She sighed melodramatically, putting her high heels back on and placing her hairspray on the ground.

"I mean, that stuff takes AGES to go through, I mean, ya know?" She yawned and stood up. "Anyway, moving on to the real meat of the speech, while I apply my eyeliner. I'm so sorry for showing up like this."

The sound of a struck match interrupted her, and from above, the flaming match fell, and landed...right on her hairspray.

Kaboom.

Anne Maria screamed, not because she was injured (which she was), or scared (which she was). "NO! MY DRESS IS RUINED! IT'S ON FIRE! AND THAT WAS REALLY EXPENSIVE HAIRSPRAY!"

"Are you hurt?" the host asked worriedly.

"WHOEVER DID THIS WILL BE HURT! HURT BAD! BROOKLYN RAAAAAAAGE!" Anne Maria snarled and bounded off the stage, flame trailing on her dress. The audience just sat there in a different kind of blank shock as Anne Maria searched everywhere for the perpetrator of the unfortunate hairspray explosion.

Up in the rafters, where the lights crew worked, Mal lounged peacefully, humming. He winked. Not at anyone in the room, but directly at _you, _the reader.

He stuck his tongue out. "Aren't I a stinker?"


	15. Lindsay

**Aaaaand, we're back! PI has been pretty freaking awesome so far, I've only had minor gripes with it. Like I said, PI contestants will only give speeches after I've done everyone else. So...enjoy!**

* * *

**Lindsay**

Lindsay was ecstatic. And when Lindsay was ecstatic about something, people generally knew it.

"EEEEEEEEE!"

And that right there would be how they knew. Lindsay, being Lindsay, was a complete master of subtlety and poise. Which is why she had applied copious amounts of makeup and wore a rather provocative dress, and looked objectively fantastic regardless. Subtlety, cough. Unlike some of the other candidates, with their practiced speeches and phony statements, she looked genuinely thrilled to be there, on stage, receiving her first Academy Award.

She took the mic and proceeded to hug the host, who froze up when Lindsay's...assets touched him as she hugged him. Lindsay let go and the host looked slightly disappointed as he handed her the award. Lindsay took the microphone and cleared her throat, tensing slightly as the entire audience paid attention to her, expecting a speech.

Lindsay took a deep breath, in and out. Then she began. "Oh my gosh! I never thought I'd be here, so I don't really know what to say! I mean, I literally thought that that Sylvia Johnson girl was going to get it, 'cuz she was so good in that one movie! I...don't remember the name. What was it about again? Oh, heh heh." She giggled slightly, rubbing the back of her head. "I'm getting sidetracked, the point is I'm here!"

"I'd just like to thank so many people! I...I don't really know where to start...or who to start with...I'm confusing myself. Um...okay, I can focus. Oh my gosh, I just love it here! So much passion, fashion-ooh, hey, that rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't even realize it!" Lindsay scrunched up her face slightly. "Did I say that wrong?"

"Anyway, ya know, I still need to thank people. My parents, for supporting me every step of the way. Not literally! I'm not heavy enough that I need to be supported on steps! It was just a metaph...meti...comparison. Yeah. That's it!"

"I should probably make an actual speech now. I'd like to thank my dad for loving and supporting me every step of...all the way! I mean, I've always been really pretty and smart, but sometimes that doesn't get you very far in life. But thank you Dad for giving me opportunities to express myself!"

"I...um...I'd also like to thank my sis for tolerating me. I mean, I once talked about her diarrhea on international television, but she still didn't get mad at me. I'd be, like, _soooooo _mad if someone did that to me. Which they actually did, once, but I forgave them. Eventually."

Lindsay looked down at her nails to make sure that they were perfect, having realized how embarrassing it would have been if they hadn't. "Okay, good, everything's perfect. I'd also just like to thank my best friend ever, Beth! At one time I couldn't even get her name right, but we've become BFFFLs! Thank you so much! And...um...I really have nothing else to say. What am I expected to say? I would talk about the movie I was in, but in all honesty I didn't really enjoy the experience and would prefer not to be associated with it ever again."

She clamped her hands over her mouth in shock. "I...I mean...I had a good...um...time? The people were...nice...enough...I guess...I should probably stop talking now." Her face started to turn red. "Sh-should I be going now? Did I do enough? Could someone tell me please?"

"If you want to get off now, you can," the host told her, and Lindsay brightened up.

"Okay! Thanks everybody! And hope to see you again in a better, I mean, _different _movie! Thank yooooouuuu!" Waving enthusiastically, Lindsay grinned and walked off the stage, not realizing that she still had the mic with her, and promptly returned to her seat.

"Thank God that's over," she whispered to the person sitting next to her. "I really didn't want to have to talk about that movie. Wait...do you hear something?"

...

"Oh-"


End file.
